“Mum! Is that you? I can’t chat for long. This phonebox smells like a public toilet and I think I’ll be sick if I stay here long. I’m not used to these decimal coins either. Blasted things! Anyway, how are you?”

“I’m fine thanks. Lovely weather here. Paul’s just left for a pop concert.”

“Good. It’s kind of you to have him stay while we’re away. I know he’s not a teenager any more, but we couldn’t trust him with the house.”

“It’s my pleasure darling. Are you having a good break? Been in the sea yet?”

“No, not yet. We had some trouble with the Morris on the way down but Derek soon sorted that. The sea air’s given him a new lease of life though! We’ve been in bed most of the time! The cottage is lovely and the bay is secluded.”

“Good! I’m so glad, after all you’ve been through.”

“Yes, thanks again Mum.”

“Ooh, one thing. Actually I did have a little bit of trouble with Paul.”

“You did?”

“Yes. I caught him masturbating. Naked as a jaybird he was. All he could say was “Oh, Nan!” I wasn’t happy.”

“Was this in his bedroom?”

“Oh no! That would have been forgivable.”

“Where then?”

“In the orangery. It’s lucky we’re not overlooked!”

“What a strange place to be doing it. He wasn’t expecting you, obviously.”

“Obviously not! I must say, he’s got a lovely masculine figure. Though at 22, he should be out courting, not playing with himself.”

“Oh mum, I’m so sorry you saw it all.”

“No, I’m the one who should be sorry. I rather lost my temper with him and hit him with your dad’s cane!”

“Ha Ha! Good for you! I remember that cane well. We’ve never laid a finger on him ourselves. How many did you give him?”

“Ten, I think. It was going to be six, but I was a bit worked up.”

“Sounds like it! Still, he’s lived to tell the tale, and it might have helped you with your decimals! How did he take it?”

“Not very well. He was play acting a little I think! Jumping about. Wiggling his bottom like a girl. Kept saying ‘Oh, Nan!’ which really annoyed me. Sorry would have been more appropriate.”

“Yes, indeed but I bet he was feeling really sorry for himself by the time you’d finished!”

“Yes, I think so.

He’s certainly minding his behaviour now.”

“So I guess this was all on his bare bottom.”

“Oh yes. Bare bottom. It’s a nice bottom, I must say. Anyway, I could hardly ask him to put his Y-fronts back on for the caning, could I? That would have been strange. His bottom was already bare. It’s a nice big penis he’s got, too. He’ll make a lucky girl very happy one day.”

“Mum, you really are incorrigible!”

“Maybe, but you two have been too soft on him over the years. His bottom has been long overdue for some harsh treatment. That’s what comes from sending him to that trendy school, I suppose.”

“Oh mother, let’s not go over that again!”

“Run by hippies.”

“Mum! Please, no more! We may have made mistakes. But Paul is generally a good lad, and passed his apprenticeship with flying colours. He’ll soon be a fully qualified aeroplane technician. Not a bad feat for someone who had hippy schooling.”

“All the same, I’m a bit worried about him. He should be out courting, as I said. He’s not one of them is he?”

“No mum, he’s not. I expect he’ll be looking for girls at the concert.”

“Well, he’d better not bring some floosie back here! Otherwise I’ll be getting the cane out again!”

“Well Mum, before we come and pick him up, I’d be very grateful if you did get your cane out again. Give him another dose, just to teach him some manners.”

“Really darling? If you’re sure? I must say it was exciting in a strange kind of way. I’ve been thinking about it a lot.”

“Yes, Mum. Do it for me and Derek. We can hardly start beating him at the age of 22!”

“Why ever not? I just have…”

“Er, yes. That’s a point. Maybe I’ll talk to Derek about it. After all, Derek used to get the cane all the time. But in the meantime, do give Paul another caning. Knock any remaining cockiness out of him. Tell him it’s a reminder, or maybe you can find some other fault or reason.”

“Yes, I’m sure I can. Leave it to mother! By the way, in case you’re interested, I think old Mr Carmichael at New Road Hardware sells nice, whippy punishment canes. I think maybe that’s where your dad got his from all those years ago.”

“Really? Thanks, I’ll call in to pick up a couple. One to use on Paul, the other for Derek!”

“Now who’s being incorrigible?”