As the bright, invasive afternoon sunlight came streaming through my stained (with dust and dirt) glass window, I found myself spooning (and possibly forking) with my new dream girl, Winter Summer, whom I had met earlier at the Public Market. Rubbing my aching jaw from our earlier sexcapades, fearing I might have lockjaw then grinning like an escaped lunatic as I recalled her hairy pussy, suddenly so afraid she might be a werewolf I had to rush out to buy silver bullets (the ammo, not that cheesy Gary Busey movie). To my utter amazement, Winter was also a squirter!  So much so I spent hours searching for a garden hose hidden in her vagina (she didn't seem to mind) but at least the snorkel and goggles helped.

So still feeling amorous, I began kissing down her taut tummy in search of her delicious manna from Heaven. As her thick pubic hair tickled my nose, she suddenly awoke to the sound of my sneezing, and she began to sing that horrible oldie "Afternoon Delight." Hoping to change the selection, I twisted her rigid nipple searching for perhaps some Lady Gaga. She quit singing and began howling and I was once again thankful there was no full moon. The tweaking did cause this writhing brunette to begin yanking my hair out in clumps like reenacting a 3 Stooges routine. But playing through the pain my tongue began its thorough search for her emerging pearl only to be deterred when an oyster clamped down on my nose. This was not as romantic as I had hoped.

Howling like something from "The Howling" I leaped from bed, did a dance so feverish storm clouds began to appear on the horizon and I told my short conquest I was taking her shopping.  My original plan was Robson Street, Vancouver's prime shopping mecca, but it's notoriously pricey and I'm operating on the budget of a Roger Corman movie...nonexistent so I went to plan B...the Gastown area of the city. Still great shopping and food but less expensive, barely.  Gastown is named after a seaman ( nsert joke here) named "Gassy Jack"  Appropriately his prominent statue is perpetually covered in bird poop, a tourist "must see".

Once there, she migrated to Calvin Klein's...of course, she did!  I glanced at a dress in a nearby boutique, hideously splattered with splotches of many colors, like something found at a Jackson Pollack yard sale. It was honestly the ugliest thing I've ever seen (and I once saw a closeup of Clint Howard).  Then joining her in CK'S,  we slipped into a dressing room while she tried on jeans tighter than Scrooge McDuck. She did this so sensually I went to the clerk for lap dance bills.  Returning, her back was now to me displaying her tramp stamp of Calvin pissing on Trump's head (this must be the video Putin is using as blackmail, I mused) but the additional view of her deliciously curvy, toned, bottom soon gave me other, less political, thoughts.  Blushing we left to pay.

Standing in front of the cashier, holding my breath as I await credit card acceptance, the clerk handed us the bag and gave me a validating thumb's up sign while smirking at Winter's eye-catching rump. The ogling clerk said "she should be wearing those out" to which I replied "I'm the one who plans to wear it out " before catching her meaning. So I asked and begged her to wear her new jeans as we continued our "date".  Outside, 3 construction workers and two nuns looked in her direction with bulging eyes, tongues unfurled and rolling across the ground like a carpet unrolling, much like a cartoon wolf. Then taking her delicate hand we ducked into Five Guys Burger and Fries, my favorite place of worship.  After ordering, I genuflected and we sat across from each other in a booth.

Once seated I kicked my sneaker off and slid my toes deftly between her legs. Then in a voice so loud it was heard in Seattle, Winter hissed "I DO NOT have a foot fetish!".  but as my face blushed brightly as if having a stroke, she dropped to her knees, sucking on my toes.  Talk about mixed signals! This entire episode might have been sexy had I not been wearing my thickest socks, but at least I now knew where the expression "cotton mouth" originated. Hoping to make amends I offered her a hot, spicy Cajun French fry (something I have never shared before) but the BITCH took two...our first argument if you don't count our 4-hour debate over Kirk vs Picard.  Leaning to her, keeping eye contact while I wrestled the extra fry from her vice-like grip, I revealed: "We have one more fun activity, baby."

"Not the riding crop again?" She whined.  

"OK,  we have 2 fun activities left." I smiled wickedly while finishing my burger, knowing I might need my caloric intake tonight. 

Kissing her salty hand before leading her to the cobbled street where I walked behind her, appreciating the most majestic view this side of the Harbour Center Observation Deck. Actually, the view was so hypnotic I suddenly began to cluck like a chicken, but at least I managed to make some spending cash by selling the eggs.  Stopping, she looked up at me with sparkling eyes and asked: "So, what is this lovely plan of yours?"

"There is a concert tonight in Stanley Park and we're going, short and sassy".

"A concert?" She giggled with glee. "Who?"

"A hair band extravaganza. ..Twisted Sister, Quiet Riot, Poison and Warrant."  

I must give her credit.  She hid her disappointment well.  But it should be a fun evening of classic rock & roll with epic comb-overs. Inside the park, I noticed we were the youngest ones there. To the left of the stage stood a "reserved for Walkers" corral. At least it wasn't a Golden Corral I was able to think while fighting back the acid reflux. By the entrance two, burned out roadies were offering handfuls of mysterious substances to geriatric revelers.  This must be what Woodstock was like, I considered, although why I was contemplating a bird from Peanuts was rather mystifying.  But regardless I sidled up to the grizzled roadie and whispered, "Hey, dude, what  are those?"  He gave me a handful of unknown Gummi 's which I immediately shared with Winter.  Looking back at him, "Well, what are these? Opioids? Cannabis?"

He gave a deep belly laugh...and he certainly had the deep belly for it.  "No, honey.  Them is Gummi stool softeners/laxative to keep you regular."

"What did he say?" Winter mumbled with her mouth stuffed with Gummi 's shaped like toilets.

"He said to get you home very soon," I replied.

As Warrant kicked into "Heaven" I hugged her loosely, for obvious reasons.  But I knew time was limited or there could be a mess even Tide Pods couldn't fully resolve so I began inching us out the gate, past the two-mile line at the Port O' Potty. Jogging briskly and watching her butt jiggle all the way, I yelled, "Run, Forrest, run!", which brought her to a sudden stop, turning to glare are me saying, "Forest? Listen, if it bothers you that much I'll trim it!"

I was about to correct her when she suddenly gripped her stomach and the race was on again. In the distance, I swear I could hear the Benny Hill theme playing.  But reaching my home and dashing inside, we were safe...or as safe as anyone could be with a riding crop and multiple industrial strength vibrators less than 10' away in a well-lit display case.

I was sitting naked on the couch, like Stormy Daniels in the Oval Office, as Winter emerged and crawled to my feet. My head was swimming like Michael Phelps after a bong hit.  Her velvety tongue began to flutter up my inner thigh.  I had more goosebumps than R.L. Stein had ever dreamed of.  Once her talented tongue struck home, my toes curled like the wicked witch in Oz.  My body was jerking like Ray Harryhausen's stop motion animation (ok, that one is far too obscure.. sorry but I love Jason and the Argonauts sooooo much).  Looking up at me sweetly she asked, "tonight can we be romantic, not kinky?"  

"Of course, love." I replied with no hint of disappointment, caressing her soft cheek with one hand and hiding the cattle prod with the other, my hips thrusting crazily like Shakira on a meth bender, my orgasm hit with a ferocity it could be measured on the Richter scale. Like the song says, "Heaven can't be too far away." I was in love...again!