The burlap moneybags called Jimmy’s name in stereo. He squirmed in the driver’s seat of his parked Gremlin, telling himself that he wasn’t a crook while the devil on his left shoulder screamed at him to make like D.B. Cooper and split with the cash.
There was more than five grand in the two bags — enough money for Jimmy to start a new life, as Mike had jokingly suggested the previous evening when he’d directed his newest employee to deposit the Sitting Bull receipts into the bar’s bank account.
A new life.
Jimmy gazed beyond the First National Bank parking lot at the nearby highway to Canada. With a drawn-out sigh, he wondered what a new life might look like. Maybe it would be a place where he didn’t get dogged constantly by people who were supposed to be in his corner; a place where his secrets weren’t betrayed, where he could pee standing up like a man — and where he wouldn’t be pressured into having gay sex with some rich slob.
Scowling into the rearview mirror, Jimmy reamed himself:
“Dude, wake the fuck up. How could she ask you to do something like that? Even if it is five hundred a week — anyone who loved you wouldn’t put you in that position. She doesn’t care about you, and she never did. Nicole only sees dollar signs. Take this cash and go to Canada already. Start your new life because there’s nothing left for you here. Your marriage is done.”
Jimmy looked away from the mirror as if averting his gaze could erase the obnoxious truth. He tried to recall the good times, but all he heard in his head was the nasal drone of Nicole’s bitching. From their first date at an expensive restaurant, when she’d complained to Jimmy that the food “tasted like dog vomit,” the out-of-his-league milquetoast had endured constant nagging, delivered in a tone that sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard.
“All she ever does is harp; any little thing sets her off. Then again, you’ve put up with it this long, and it hasn’t killed you — but do you really want that for the rest of your life? To constantly be nagged at? No. Hell no. You’ve only got so much time left on this earth, Jimmy. Fuck this, shit — go to Winnipeg.”
Jimmy tried to turn the ignition key, but his hand wouldn’t move. He glared at himself again.
“You goddamn idiot — are you crazy? What are you even thinking? Don’t you realize how lucky you are to have a beautiful wife like Nicole? You think women like that grow on trees? You think an ugly, pimply-faced dickhead like you would ever luck out like that again? No, that’s impossible because she’s one-of-a-kind. Those eyes … those cat-green eyes — you could never leave her, and you know it. She’s all you ever wanted — why would you even want to leave?”
Jimmy gritted his teeth.
“Ugh, you know the answer to that, stupid-ass. What the fuck. There are a million reasons you should dump that bitch.”
On their fifth date, after killing a bottle of wine, Nicole suggested they confess their deepest secrets 'to build trust.' Jimmy went first and told his new gal pal that he’d sucked his classmate’s dick after getting hammered at a party during his freshman year in college. Nicole reciprocated by revealing that she’d once eaten cat food on a dare — not exactly a shocking disclosure, and Jimmy felt like a sap for having volunteered such a closely held, embarrassing tidbit, only for her to come back with something so lame and impersonal.
As his relationship with Nicole progressed, Jimmy got used to feeling like a sap.
“You should’ve known how she was when she told you to pee sitting down because you dribbled a little on the toilet seat. What kind of woman wants her boyfriend to do that? And what kind of man does it?”
Blinking twice, Jimmy reminded himself that there were good times, too. He recalled their carnival date when he won a huge stuffed bear because the guy in the booth had guessed his weight wrong. He remembered the trendy self-help seminars and ashrams he and Nicole attended early in their relationship and their nights out at nice restaurants.
“Don’t fool yourself, asshole — a geek like you would’ve never gotten past hello with a woman that beautiful if you hadn’t been an executive manager at Triumph Industries making twenty grand a year. You both know you were lucky to land her, which is why she’s had you pussywhipped from the start. You never get to fuck your own wife, dude. Ever. Think about how messed up that is. She only lets you lick her pussy once every few months — and by the way, you know damn well that wasn’t clam chowder this morning, you stupid motherfucker. It’s embarrassing that you’d even try to tell yourself that. You know what cum tastes like — you’ve slurped up enough of your own after jacking off, you sick, perverted bastard.”
Jimmy’s eyes drifted downward toward his lap. He gulped with shame as he contemplated the minuscule bump in his jeans.
“Keep your head in the sand all you want to, dumbass, but she’s fucking Mike. Hell, she hasn’t even tried to hide it. It’s almost like she’s been daring you to say something to force a confrontation that would allow her to run off with the son-of-a-bitch. But … last night at the bar, she seemed weird. So did Mike.”
Drumming his fingers on the steering wheel, Jimmy pondered the previous evening’s strange turn of events.
“Something changed after they came out of Mike’s office. You could tell by the way they were talking to you. Think about it, dude: the dynamic has shifted. Nicole and Mike need you now because, for whatever reason, Red has some weird, sadomasochistic attraction to you. The fat, crazy bastard is the greatest guy in the world to most people, but according to Nicole, he finds one weakling to fuck with — and he picked you because that’s exactly what you are, Jimmy: a goddamn weakling. Red could smell it on you the minute he saw you. Marlene always says the same thing — that she had you pegged as a loser from day one. Nicole probably did, too, although she isn’t the first woman to marry a guy she didn’t respect because he made good money.”
With a bitter taste in his mouth, Jimmy thought of all the suspected affairs during his five-year marriage to the former Harvest Springs High School cheerleader. The first time was a few weeks after the wedding when Jimmy ran into Nicole’s friend Tammy in the drugstore when she was supposed to be at the theater with his wife seeing 'Love Story.' When Nicole got home from her 'dinner and a movie with Tammy,' the devastated husband detected the unmistakable scent of Hai Karate. Another time Nicole was gone all night, returning home after noon the next day with the cockamamie excuse that her car had conked out on a desolate stretch of highway and that she’d waited all night before anyone had stopped to help.