In the days that followed, we saw each other only occasionally. It was awkward at first but not overly so. We had both accepted what had to be, though some days were better than others. Over time, it became livable, even working together on a few more changes to the program that had brought us together.
It was only a few times because the new requirements had exceeded my abilities, and I assigned them to one of my developers. Amy looked at me strangely when I told her. She probably thought I was reassigning it to avoid having to work with her any longer. I admit that I may have given up on my abilities earlier than I would have had my situation with Amy not been strained, but it wasn't my primary motivation.
After a month or so, we settled into a comfortable coexistence that allowed us to be friendly when we encountered each other, but we didn't seek each other out. There was no longer any reason to, business or personal. We each assumed the other had gotten on with their life, and that was that. I was even tested by a problem she reported to our Help Desk that ultimately ended up with me to resolve.
I had several opportunities to make funny or suggestive comments to her that may have rekindled the teasing relationship we had before. Still, I resisted the temptation, having had no personal contact with Amy since we parted at my door. Even so, a few minutes after I’d sent the email confirming the problem was fixed, I looked to see her at my door.
“Amy! Did that fix work?” I asked with forced friendliness.
“Yes, it did! Thank you, Mark!” she replied with a quiet smile.
“Good! Glad I could help!” I turned to my computer somewhat dismissively, but I could see her from the corner of my eye standing there for a few seconds. I didn’t look up because I didn’t want to encourage her to start anything. She’s the one who’d kept convincing me to take the next step with her.
I couldn’t be sure, but she seemed to walk away sad and subdued. I looked up once she’d turned and watched her walk away slowly. I felt terrible for a few minutes, but my self-preservation kicked in, and I felt okay about it.
Imagine my surprise a few weeks later when she turned up at the door of my home. I wasn’t expecting anybody, so the doorbell was a surprise, but that was nothing compared to my shock at seeing her standing there.
“Amy! What, um … why …” I stammered, not knowing what to say, but I still didn’t want to be drawn back in, even though I still fantasized about her, the things we’d done, and those we hadn’t.
“May I come in? Please?” She sensed my reluctance, so additional convincing was necessary. “I’m not here for the reasons you’re probably thinking. Can we just talk?”
"Sure. Come on in," I said, stepping back to open the door wider. She glanced up at me with a sad smile as she passed. She stopped once inside the door and let me lead her to my living room. I sat at one end of my sofa and she at the other, neither of us sitting back or getting comfortable.
"So, what brings a pretty girl to my door unexpectedly?" I said, trying to break the ice, having decided there was no reason to be unfriendly. She looked even sadder and not about to reply, so I tried to move things along. "You must be neck deep in wedding plans by now?" I said just before the tears started flowing. I slid closer to her and placed a comforting hand on her knee.
"Amy, what's wrong?"
"Brian's gone," she replied between gentle sobs.
"Oh my God, he's not ..."
"We split up!" she clarified.
"What happened? Was it something I ... we ..."
"Not really." Which to me meant yes. "Not you and not directly," she said, sounding like she may be splitting hairs. She attempted to shake off her sorrow and wiped her tears with a tissue. Somewhat composed, she then asked, "Mark, did you feel that our time together was special?"
Afraid of where this might lead and not wanting to get in the way of a reconciliation, I decided to head this off at the pass, though I had no idea whether that was possible.
"Amy, I don't think we should go there."
"Please, Mark, answer my question. Was I imagining it? Especially the last time?" She needed an answer to be able to go on.
"No, you weren't imagining it," I replied, not wanting to be responsible for her misery.
"Thank you. I know you didn't want to say that, but I believe you."
"Amy, what's going ... what happened," I said, rethinking my question midstream. She seemed to summon up some internal strength before answering.
"When I left here last time, I was a little sad, maybe more than a little, but I was also excited about taking what you showed me to Brian. When I did, it seemed to be going well at first. We didn't do everything you and I did, but most of it, and we both liked it. At least, I thought we did, but apparently, Brian thought that I wasn't enjoying it as much as I had before. He didn't say anything right away, and he said he'd tried harder for a while but eventually decided there must be something wrong with me."
"What!?" I cried, ready to come to her defense.
"No, not like that. He meant that something must be bothering me. I knew what he meant, but I couldn’t admit it, even to myself. I denied it even then, but inside, I knew he was right. He sensed that I wasn't as excited about it as I had been in the beginning, when we started with the spanking, and of course, he wanted to know why."
I immediately became alarmed at what she might have said in her defense, which must have shown. "I didn't tell him anything about you; I continued to deny it, making it even harder for him to believe me. One day, it got to the point where he asked me to leave his apartment. I tried to get him to let me stay, but he said that even that didn’t sound sincere, and I'd better go."
"I'm so sorry, Amy! But surely this will blow over, and you'll get back together again?"
"That was more than a month ago, Mark. We tried again a few days later, but it was obvious that he was right, and I left again."
"But you'll get back together. You just need some time! And you need to talk about it," I said, the irony of what I was doing not escaping my notice.
"We have talked, Mark, several times, and we both agree it's over."
"Maybe you just need more time?"
"I don't think so," she said before the tears started flowing again. I took her in my arms and felt horrible about what we'd done and my part in it. I wished I could turn the clock back so Amy could return to that sweet, happy girl I'd first met.