I was in Brenda’s dressing room, staring into her full-length mirror. Noises were coming down the corridor from my girlfriend's kitchen. It was where a late breakfast was being eaten, but I was not ready to join them. There was too much merriment going on in there.
I needed to think about last night and what happened. There had been Rainbow’s, Brenda’s entertainment, the stage show, and my girlfriend sleeping with Jaz. But the thing that was eating into me was Brenda’s rejection. There simply had been no cuddles from her, no kisses and no sex.
Instead, I had been given away to Tina, a woman that she knew I wasn’t attracted to.
This morning, I had put my own clothes back on. They felt warm, snug, familiar, and, above all, reassuring. The clothes my girlfriend had given me to wear were now piled neatly on the side. All traces of Brenda had been removed, with one exception…
Around my right ankle was a silver anklet which had three women’s names on it: Brenda on top, Clare in the middle, and Karen on the bottom. This piece of jewellery had been given to me by Brenda, so technically, I now owned it. However, I wondered how long the two names that sandwiched mine would be staying there. After this week, I just didn’t know.
As I took in my clothed body, I asked myself, had last night been too much? Then I whispered to myself what was really bothering me, “Why had I been rejected?”
With an uncertain sigh, I walked through to Brenda’s bedroom, the walls there a deep red. I wanted to look once again at the eighteen photos that lined the room. These were my girlfriend’s collection, all black and white, full-frontal nudes. Each one showed a former official girlfriend of Brenda’s.
My photo was there, it was the last in the line, the eighteenth, and once again I wondered if that was my true position. No one would want to see me, not after seeing the other seventeen beautiful girls that came before me.
I thought back. I hadn’t been bothered by what happened at Rainbows, nor the kinky stage sex that followed. Maybe I had been irritated by being expected to perform, but beyond that… Well, it had been fun, exciting, and even perverted. It had also been good to have sex again with Jaz.
The things I did last night were not actions that I regretted. However, if I did it again, it would be on my terms, with no stage and no audience. Well, unless I wanted an audience to be there.
But then I came to the part of the night with which I struggled the most: Brenda’s rejection. There had been no goodnight kisses, no cuddles, or whispers telling me how lovely I was, or how beautiful. There was just nothing other than my girlfriend leading Jaz to her bedroom and being palmed off to her best friend in a surreptitious swap.
There I was in the photo, smiling. Then, just beyond my picture, an empty wall space just waiting to be filled with the next girl, my replacement. She would be number nineteen. I could already imagine a photo of a beautiful naked girl smiling there.
Then, to the right of my photo, was Brenda’s last girlfriend, Mia. She had not lasted long, and I wondered if I was going to last any longer than her.
With one last sweep of the room, I walked to the kitchen to join the merriment and have a late breakfast. But afterwards, I had vowed, there would be a long talk with my girlfriend. She needed to know that I was far from happy.
*****
With Paula, Tina, and Jaz leaving us, Brenda turned to me. She knew something wasn’t right, though nothing had been said.
“Let me show you these.” She briefly disappeared into her bedroom before returning with two pairs of jeans. They were blue but cut differently from the skinny jeans I was wearing. At first glance, it seemed they didn’t come high enough to cover my pussy, especially if I regrew my pubic hair.
“These are low-rise skinny jeans. They are meant to be the next big thing, and part of the collection of the clothes I am shooting next week in Madrid.”
I almost grinned, as I thought it would be funny to see my girlfriend try to wear them. Get her mass of black pubic hair and fake cock into them.
Brenda held them up and then hesitated. “Look, I know I make a lousy girlfriend. Since Hugo, I have never been any good with relationships. ” She abruptly stopped speaking, as if that explained everything, before going back to talking about the jeans and then asking me if I was interested in trying a pair on.
I wasn’t, not today. I looked at the clock; it was nudging midday, and the weather outside was sunny and warm.
“Let’s go out for a walk,” I suggested. I needed to get out of Brenda’s apartment almost as much as I needed to talk with my girlfriend.
“We need to talk about tomorrow… and other things,” I remarked offhandedly.
Brenda grabbed her car keys. She seemed worried, which surprised me.
We drove to a large National Trust property, and despite being only thirty minutes away, I had never visited it before. There was a large old-fashioned house and extensive ornate gardens to walk in. It was a perfect place to talk, as you could get lost within its grounds.
On the way, I wouldn’t say the atmosphere was frosty, but it was a little cool. Our conversation stilted, and my replies were often a little on the curt side. It was so different from how we had been last night in the back of Paula’s car as we drove to Rainbows. Then we snuggled up, kissed, and giggled.
After entering, I took Brenda’s hand, which I think surprised her, and we started walking in silence until we got to a large ornamental lake. It had an empty bench seat overlooking it, and I suggested it was a good place to take in the view.
“Do you know why I am upset?” That was my opening question, though as I asked it, I realised most of my morning uneasiness had dissipated.
"I'm sorry, Clare, I went too far. I shouldn’t have done what I did at Rainbows. Sometimes, I get a little excited. I forget we have not been together that long.”
It had been five weeks since we first met, and just over one since I had become Brenda’s official girlfriend. Strangely, in my head, I found myself agreeing with her. It did feel much longer.
“My dear, are you breaking up with me?” my girlfriend cautiously questioned.
I squeezed Brenda’s hand. “No, but we need to come to a future understanding.”
“Brenda, last night, I had a good time. I enjoyed Rainbows, even Hazel, though I am in no hurry to do it again. When we go out, I want to go out as a couple and not to be other people’s entertainment.”
“So it wasn’t what happened at Rainbows?” my girlfriend questioned. She seemed surprised.
“No, and before you ask, it wasn’t the stage show. It was your rejection at the end of the night. You seemed to think you could palm me off to your best friend just so you could have sex with her girlfriend. That is never going to happen again if you want to stay with me.”
I briefly paused to let Brenda take in what I had just said. It was important, but I wasn’t finished, and I didn’t want her to break my flow.
“We need to discuss everything first. Our relationship has to be based on being equal. But it is always going to be my decision with whom I sleep with. Do you understand that?”
Brenda looked at me in such a way I had the impression none of her previous girlfriends had ever said anything like that to her before.
I softened.
“Look, I just needed a cuddle. Didn’t you realise that, despite what happened earlier, all I wanted to do was snuggle up to you? I didn’t expect you to push me away so you could fuck Jaz.”
“Oh my,” Brenda exclaimed. “I didn’t know. I was just horny. It's not often I get a chance to fuck a pretty eighteen-year-old.”
“There is something else. Last college year, my life got a little out of hand, and I cannot make that mistake again. We need to dial it back, and, as I said before, I am not ready to jump into bed with just anybody. I have responsibilities now.”
As we sat there, I squeezed Brenda’s hand once again. It was an act of reassurance; I didn’t want to break up with her. I enjoyed her company and the sex we had together. That had been out of this world. But I had Karen to consider. What she had to say tomorrow would also reflect on what happened next.
I could never see my relationship with Brenda being any more than friends with benefits; I was pleased that was one of her soft rules. No love, just friendship and lots of sex.
It was a while before my girlfriend spoke. “I didn’t realise. As I mentioned, I have never been good with relationships since Hugo, and as you know, that one fell apart.”
I noticed Brenda’s eyes seemed to drift across the water, they only came back into focus when I gave her a quick kiss on her cheek.
“Brenda, you are not the only one who had relationships fall apart. Though perhaps mine has been more my fault. But I do understand finding the right path is not easy. We need to find a way; remember, this is my first same-sex relationship, and I am very comfortable with it. I enjoy your company, and I enjoy the sex.”
“We can be good friends, have lots of sex, even kinky sex, and yes, sometimes I will want to be pushed into sexually experimenting, like collecting names, wearing a piece, or even Club OXO.”
Brenda interrupted me. “You liked wearing a piece?” She questioned, even though she already knew the answer, having been one of the first things she asked after my second date with Karen.
I rolled my eyes and just said, “Yes.” There were more important things to say.
“Other times, like the end of last night, I just wanted a cuddle and reassurance. It is part of any relationship, but to me, it is almost essential.”
Brenda stared at me. She didn’t know. I looked down at my hands; I needed to find the right words.
“You know about my body confidence issues, which I feel I am almost over.” I paused as I had a thought. “Actually, now I think about it, last night and being hit on by all those lesbian ladies has helped; it was nice to feel wanted. But as I said, I didn’t like your rejection; you pushed me towards Tina. We should have talked about it first.”
I tentatively smiled and then looked at Brenda. She weakly smiled in return, having been taking in my every word.
“You will need to know my full sexual history to understand, and I come to that. But in short, somewhere inside me lurks the desire to be self-destructive, and this urge bubbles up occasionally, especially when I feel rejected.”
I paused and squeezed Brenda’s hand again.
“It's not anything physical. I don’t self-harm, but I do start having irrational sexual urges. Things like flushing your birth control pills down the toilet and then having sex knowing you could get pregnant. Maybe it is okay if you are married and in a loving relationship, but it is not so clever when you are eighteen and are cheating behind your boyfriend's back with a married man. When I think about it… It is not clever at all.”
“These destructive urges are something I am still learning to control. David has helped; he gives me stability. Though, I do not want to stop it completely. It is part of me; I like sex and doing kinky but not foolish things. I just needed to make you aware that as long as we are together, I will always need your support and, above all, a cuddle from you at the end of the night.”
“Oh, I have never been asked that before; a cuddle at the end of the night?”
“Yes, and we need to discuss beforehand if you want me to have sex with someone. I expect full disclosure and the final say. No surprises like Tina last night.”
Brenda nodded. Then asked a typical Brenda question, “Would you fuck Tina again if I asked you to do it?”
“Probably,” I said. “She was very good in bed, but it will depend on what Karen says tomorrow. I am going to tell her that I am with you, Brenda, that I am not interested in a monogamous relationship for the foreseeable future.”
Brenda grinned, and I pulled my trouser leg up to show her the silver three-named anklet.
“If Karen’s name is going to remain on here, it will be up to her. I do not deny that I want her to carry on being my other girlfriend. But I know if I ever have a monogamous relationship in the future, it will be with a man… Does that shock you, Brenda?”
“Not at all, my dear,” my girlfriend replied, sounding very much like her old self.
“Hugo was the only monogamous relationship I have ever had.”
We both chuckled, all tension long gone. I had made my decision. It would have to be seen if Brenda could both adapt and accept that any ongoing relationship would have to be on more equal terms.
With the sun high above us, we found the National Trust tearoom and had a coffee and a slice of cake. While we were sitting there, for the second time in my life, I quietly recounted my full life story. I concentrated on my sexual history, and just like when I told the same story to David, I found telling it very therapeutic.
However, with Brenda, I told her the extra bits. This included what happened earlier this year. I had always considered those six months as my dark days. It had started with my cheating and affair with John and only ended when I met David in Majorca. For me, it was important to make sure my girlfriend knew that I had always been promiscuous, and this wasn't just a new fad since I met her.
I finished my story with, “So, now you know all about me, and you now know that I am not so special after all.”
“Clare, you are special. I have never understood why you don’t see it.”
“Special,” I dismissed with a shrug. “Yes, I know I am special, you told me. It is because I can’t keep my legs together or the fact that I can put my ankles behind my head.”
“Really!” my girlfriend exclaimed. It had been an involuntary reaction.
I hadn’t told Brenda or David that I had that ability, being very flexible; it was one of the things that had helped me with my dancing.
It was at this point we left the tearoom, our chuckles having already turned a few heads. I guess most of the customers thought it was mother and daughter, not girlfriends, one with a silicon cock and the other with a wanton bald pussy.
We decided to walk the loop around the large lake; afterwards, we were going to view the house. Brenda told me that she had been here only once before. It had been long ago with Hugo, as he also enjoyed history and the arts.
As we walked, I reminded Brenda of my decision to see her as my main girlfriend, but I wanted to carry on dating Karen without interference from her. I explained once again that while this was my wish, I did understand that Karen may have other ideas.
I also added that I accepted that Brenda sometimes couldn’t help herself from interfering, but if she did, it would be nice if she asked me first.
We reached the end of the lake; it was directly opposite to where we had been sitting before. Well away from the stately home, and there were fewer people here. We took a path off the beaten track and found a hidden stone grotto. It had a seat underneath and another one on top, which was only reachable by a spiral staircase that wrapped itself around the structure. We chose the roof seat, both for the view and extra privacy.
There we snuggled up, just like I had wanted to do last night, and my hand, as it often did, came to rest on Brenda’s fake cock.
“You know, my dear, I used to own a sailing boat. It could sleep twelve and had a crew of two.”
“Isn’t that a ship?” I questioned, not knowing.
Brenda chuckled.
“But why did you get rid of it?” I then asked, my hand now gently brushing her piece, my mind wondering why she wore it. I wanted to ask her.
“The sailing boat was my father's. I have never told you my background, have I?”
I didn’t answer. I just let Brenda carry on.
“My father came from money; he was a Scottish Laird and had a large estate to go with the title. Technically, I still own it, but my father gave it all up to live down here with my mother. He legally protected the estate and then handed it over to the local community. As you might have guessed, I don’t use my title.”
“Title,” I questioned; this was all news to me.
Brenda chuckled. “Yes, I am officially a Lady.”
She then told me she was Lady - with the estate's name after it.
“But I have never used it, though it does come up occasionally in the press. As you know, I am only half Scottish, and I have never lived up there. Though I do know the estate has a very nice whisky distillery. They always send me a full crate every Christmas.”
The irony of Brenda wearing a fake cock and being officially a Lady was not lost on me. I kept quiet.
Brenda went on to explain about her life, much of which I already knew. There was Hugo, her marriage to him, and their long separation, which only started when her husband came out as gay. Just like the first time she told me, her voice wavered. It was clear to me that Brenda still had affection for him. I guessed that was part of the reason that they were still in business together.
“That was the hardest time of my life, splitting up from Hugo,” she stated.
Brenda reminded me that they were technically still married as they had never divorced, and not many people knew that. It was something she would prefer to stay that way. A family walked past; the mother was pushing a pushchair. Brenda watched them and then said something more profound, as it could be a little more relevant to me.
“My dear, I never got over that, as I wanted children. With no Hugo, there were never going to be any little ones.”
She turned to me.
“It is partly why these days I donate to children’s charities, but if you ask me if I could do something again in my life, I would have got myself pregnant with my husband. I have never told anyone that, not even Paula.”
She then added. “Does that make you feel more equal?”
“Yes,” I replied without thinking. I then said something I had been thinking about but dared not mention to anyone until now.
“Brenda, I want children. By my age, my mum already had me and my sister. The thing is, I sometimes worry that living in a same-sex relationship and having children might not work. Do you know anyone who is a lesbian and has raised a family?”
“That is an intriguing question, my dear. Do you think you are a lesbian?”
I smiled. Typical Brenda, I thought. She was more interested in my sexuality. So, I took my time before answering my girlfriend’s question.
“The simple answer is no, but it is kind of fluid. I want to be with David, but he has Sarah. His only suggestion for the future is for all of us to live together in a three-way relationship. He has also told me that he will never leave Sarah. He is there to support her and if they ever split up, it would have to be her leaving him.”
Brenda knew the first part but didn’t know that David had told me he would never leave Sarah. I knew the reasons why, but I wasn’t going to share them with my girlfriend. It would have to come from Sarah herself as it was too personal.
